


Bad for us

by nishiki



Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Ben has had enough of this shit, Budding Love, Budding Romance, Kinda, M/M, Oblivious Klaus Hargreeves, Online Dating, Silly, Songfic, Speed Dating, matchmaker Ben Hargreeves, oblivious Diego Hargreeves, short fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-01
Updated: 2020-01-03
Packaged: 2021-02-27 15:41:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,779
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22069447
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nishiki/pseuds/nishiki
Summary: Klaus is on the hunt for the perfect guy - and fails to see that what he's looking for is right in front of him
Relationships: Ben Hargreeves & Klaus Hargreeves, Diego Hargreeves & Klaus Hargreeves, Diego Hargreeves/Klaus Hargreeves
Comments: 16
Kudos: 172
Collections: The umbrella academy





	1. guy.exe

**Author's Note:**

> Just a silly little idea I had after listening too many times to guy.exe from superfruit

The way that Klaus entered the living room that night told Diego all he needed to know about how his brother’s date went. It was only the latest in a long string of horrible dates with random guys his brother went on ever since the apocalypse that wasn't. The event - or rather non-event - had left Klaus with newfound sobriety and the wish to find true love out there in the world. Now that the world wasn’t ending anytime soon he seemed determined to search for something more in life than just the occasional hookups or meaningless flings that he had had before. For all of them, but Klaus in particular, the non-apocalypse had been a wake-up call. A second chance. A fresh start. He would applaud his brother for this decision if it wouldn't leave him so distraught all the time. 

Diego had just settled down for the night sitting on the comfortable sofa in front of some dumb action movie while the rest of their siblings were all out somewhere doing their own shit when he had heard Klaus return to the mansion. It was still early in the night, barely 9 PM, and by no means should Klaus be back already. His brother didn't fail to make certain that everyone around him would know how low he felt after this date he just had. He was all slumped shoulders and buckling knees as he slumped down next to him on the sofa in a matter of mere seconds from coming in through the front door to arriving in the living room. In a way, Diego felt sorry for his brother. He truly did. He didn't want Klaus to seem so sad all the time, after all, and those guys he would meet … Well, they had no clue what they were doing as it seemed. 

"No luck?" Diego huffed as Klaus slumped against him. He smelled nice. He wore the perfume again that he had stolen from a boutique during their teens. He couldn't quite place the scent. It was definitely a little flowery for a guy but Diego liked it on Klaus. It suited him. It was a miracle that this shit still smelled good at all. Klaus’ curls were soft as they brushed against his cheek as Klaus’ head fell onto his shoulder with a groan. "I thought he was the  _ perfect  _ guy?"

"Turns out not," Klaus muttered before he pretty much bullied his way into Diego’s arms - shoving and pulling on him in the process. He complied as he put one arm around his brother’s narrow shoulders and leaned his head against Klaus’. "That's bullshit." Klaus sighed. "Every guy I meet is either a complete idiot or thinks he is the hottest thing that ever graced the surface of the planet. And none of them are what they seem like online. It's awful. You know, I really wished I could synthesize the picture-perfect guy."

"Oh no, you are not becoming some Frankenstein under my watch." Diego laughed. "If you enter this house with a bag of body parts I’m gonna kick you out." Klaus actually breathed a small laugh at this. 

"No, but for real, Dee! Where are all the guys with emotional stability?" He groaned almost theatrically as if he was one of the big philosophers from ancient Greece rambling about the meaning of life and not just his love life - or lack thereof. "I mean … I’m not asking for a CEO or someone almost just as smart as me, right? All I want is a guy with … a nice car, perhaps financial security would be nice too. I mean, don't get me wrong. With our inheritance and all that shit, I don't need a billionaire or something but a stable job would be nice. He doesn't have to be a doctor or a model either - though I wouldn't hate that - just a man of possibilities." 

"Is that all?" Diego huffed and brushed tiny circles with his thumb into Klaus’ biceps. 

"He should be tall, I guess. I mean, I’m tall, right? Six feet at least and super strong so he can beat up Luther if I need him to. Of course, we’d always have to get along. I don't like fighting."

"Don't I know that."

"Oh, and he’d pick me up at eight-" 

"And not a minute late," Diego laughed. "After all, you don't like to wait." And no one knew this better than Diego who was still Klaus’ personal chauffeur most of the damn time. Not that he would complain. He had no qualms picking his brother up somewhere and driving him wherever he wanted to go. At least then he knew that Klaus would arrive safely at his destination. Still, Klaus was a right diva when he had to wait even a minute too long since he got sober. His high-self had been a lot more relaxed in those situations. 

"You got it." Klaus sighed and snuggled closer. He seemed tired but not yet ready to go to sleep without venting his frustrations first. "He needs to be kind and not afraid to cry. And he absolutely has to treat his Mom right, you feel me?" Diego grunted in agreement. "I mean … I want a guy who trusts me enough to show his emotions, right?" 

"You mean like I bawled my eyes out when we watched ‘a dog’s purpose’?" 

"See? You finally admit that you did!"

"You’ve seen me do it! You handed me the tissues!"

"You always deny it in front of the others."

"Yeah but … that's different." 

Klaus huffed and gave a lazy smack to his chest in response. It was true, though. It was different with Klaus because he knew that Klaus would never judge him for showing any hint of weakness. Klaus was the only one who got it. Maybe that was because Diego got Klaus too. He got it when his brother needed to climb into his bed at night because he was terrified out of his mind. The others … they didn't get it. 

"Anyway … I need a man who doesn't get jealous all the time - unless I want him to, of course. I mean a tiny bit of jealousy can't hurt, right?" Diego hummed hid agreement once more. 

That's what his relationship with Eudora had often been missing. That thrill of a chase. Knowing that your partner is loyal and not a cheat but still feeling the tingles of just a tiny hint of jealousy in the back of his neck when she would talk to someone else. He sometimes got that when he would watch Klaus go out for another date or if he would even drive him there. Most guys he had met so far didn't deserve Klaus anyway. No! Not most! All of them. 

"I need a gentleman to take care of me in the bedroom. You know? Romantic love - yes all the way! But keep it rough. I’m not a precious little princess after all. Am I asking too much?"

At last, Diego gave him a small clap on the thigh and looked Klaus straight in those pretty green eyes. He had to stop Klaus before his brother would tell him any more of the things he liked to have done to him in the bedroom. 

"Your expectations are too high, Baby." He huffed. "You’ll never find a guy like that, Klaus. Trying to find that perfect guy is just a waste of your time and even if you would find him … in the end, he would only prove to not be good enough for you anyway. That's just how it is."

"You flatter me."

"No, I just mean … None of the guys that you could possibly date would ever really understand you, right? The real you, I mean. And how could they? They don't know what you’ve gone through and … even if you’d tell them, I doubt they would really get it. I mean, I know it's hard. After Eudora, I’ve been searching high and low for that perfect girl too but there simply isn't such a thing. Better to get your head out of the clouds. And stop with those dating apps. The guys there are trash anyways."

"So what do you propose I do with my Friday nights then from now on?"

"Enjoy movies with me?" Diego offered as he grabbed the blanket from the backrest of the couch to wrap it around his brother. He knew that Klaus was always cold because of the ghosts and he didn't want to see him get sick again. 

"Do you have any popcorn?"

"I can make you some." Diego chuckled as he already untangled from his brother.

"Thanks, Dee. You’re the best." Klaus grinned and huddled in the blanket as Diego got up from the couch. "See … Why can’t I find a guy like you out there?" 


	2. Hurry up

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another chapter inspired by superfruit! This time by the song 'Hurry up'

He knew that the only reason Diego was here at that bar in Soho now was him. If it wouldn't have been for  _ him _ , Diego would never have set a foot into this establishment - at least not for an event such as the one they were going to attend together. 

"I can't believe that you are making me do this." Diego groaned as they stopped shortly in front of the entrance. There was nothing special about the bar. In fact, Klaus would say that most bars in this part of town looked exactly the same. The only thing special right now was the sign in the door that was advertising tonight’s speed dating extravaganza.

"What? I’m not making you do anything. You said it was okay."

"Just because you asked me to go but I didn't mean that I wanted to participate in this crap."

"Oh, come on, you Grinch. It's just speed dating. Maybe you find some nice girl here."

"Doubtful." Diego sighed as they finally entered the bar and went straight to the little reception desk that had been set up for the occasion. Walking towards it, he could already see a stack of name tags ready to be filled in. Behind the desk stood and waited an overly cheerful-looking lady with dark hair whose face just split into a huge grin as she took notice of them. Her name tag read Mindy. Fitting. She did look like a Mindy too. Before either one of them could even say anything, her eyes darted over both of them hungrily - but ultimately got stuck on Diego. Not that he could blame her.

"Why hello there!" She smiled as she immediately began playing with her hair and fiddling with the pen she was holding. The way she stared at Diego and seemed to ignore him made him hopeful on his brother’s behalf. Sure, Mindy was not at all the type for a proper relationship with someone like Diego but to blow off some steam she would suffice, he guessed. 

"Hi!" Klaus replied as Diego looked grim. "Is this the speed dating check-in?"

"Yeah! This is my event." She smiled proudly - as if hosting speed dating events would be some big achievement in life. For her, it probably was. "So nice to meet you! So, what are you guys into?"

"Uhm" Diego replied helpfully.

"Guy? Girl? Guy-girl? Girl-guy?" She tried to be funny but didn't quite manage to hit either of their funny bones with her way of talking or her obnoxious laughter accompanying it.

"Guys." Klaus immediately cut her off.

"I’m fine with whatever." His brother served to surprise him and made Klaus look at him in honest shock. Well, that was new, wasn't it? "What?" He then turned to Klaus as he noticed his surprise.

"I didn't know you were bi!"

"Well, just because I’m not running around talking about my conquests doesn't mean I didn't have any." Diego huffed with a sly smirk and earned himself an approving nod from his brother. He needed to remind himself that he needed to talk to his brother more about his former conquests. 

"I am impressed, Baby." 

After the girl awkwardly outfitted them with name tags and spent a bit too much time and effort patting on Diego’s chest to make the tag stick properly, she leaned over her little counter a bit more as if she hoped to draw his brother’s attention more in the direction of her cleavage. Diego seemed impervious to her charms though. 

"Okay, you guys. I want you to clean up tonight. I want you to be yourselves but bring the fire. If you feel like kissing someone I want you to do it." Even without turning their heads to each other they still somehow managed to exchange a small look just from awkward side glances alone. If that wasn't some kind of art form than what even was the point. "And now, get in there!" 

Not even half an hour after first entering the establishment and sitting down at one of the tables, Klaus found himself agreeing with Diego. It was stupid and frustrating. At the very least, every time Klaus leaned back in his chair a bit more, he could feel Diego in his back sitting on the table right behind his own and fighting his way through one pointless conversation after the other. An hour into the experience, he wished he had never come here. It was even worse than pointless internet dates! One boring guy after the other came to his table talking about stupid shit and more than one even recognized him and wanted to talk about the Umbrella Academy.

However, just by judging how tense Diego’s back felt, his brother didn't have a great time either. Still, whenever he made the mistake of looking over his shoulder, his brother was bombarded with those beautiful girls and kinda handsome guys staring at him like he was the best thing they had ever seen. Well, of course, Diego  _ was  _ really quite handsome, after all, wasn't he? He had always been good looking and, if he weren’t his brother and his best friend, he would even say that Diego was hot.

The later it got in the night, the more frivolous things became. Not that he had much of a problem with that really. He was, after all, the definition of being frivolous and yet it was a bit weird. He had lost Diego to some chick sitting at the bar at some point. His brother had a glass of beer in his right hand as he tried making small talk - not that he seemed particularly interested in her anyway. Diego had never been exceptionally skilled in that domain either. During press, Diego had mostly kept his mouth shut when the Umbrella Academy had still been all over the news. Meanwhile, Klaus tried to ignore the obvious flirting from the guy sitting across from him. He was handsome enough, he supposed but not really his type. Moreover, for some reason, Klaus was too occupied with Diego and how his brother’s encounter was unfolding right now.

The girl he was talking to had a god awful laugh - more like a hyena and as Klaus looked over to Diego, his brother shrugged and gave him a lopsided smirk. However, the hand that was suddenly on Klaus’ knee and then went further up his leg clearly pulled Klaus back to the present situation. Normally, Klaus Hargreeves really wasn't someone to turn down an opportunity for sex and jumped gladly at the chance for a nice hookup. Yet … the thing was … He had never been in love and he really wanted to experience that shit now that he was turning his life around. Getting clean was hard and then this whole pesky apocalypse thing ... He was fed up with those in-betweens. Luckily for Klaus, another couple suddenly making out in the corner took his partner’s attention away from Klaus and allowed him to slip away.

Whoever was out there for him, he really would like that guy to just hurry up and come to him. Just as Diego had rightfully stated, he just wasn't big on waiting. Surely, his Prince Charming had to be out there somewhere. That was the only reason why he was here tonight.

It was much later as the music had become louder and the people started dancing that Klaus finally spotted a guy near the bar. He didn't even notice how Diego too was approaching the corner where he stood. The guy was tall - almost as tall as Diego - with thick dark hair and tanned skin. He just stood there, leaning against the wall with a drink and his dark eyes were all but burning into Klaus’ green ones. He slowly approached the man who was already biting his lower lip watching him while around them couples were dancing and grinding and making out on the dance floor. He was just about to reach the stranger as he noticed another one, much lankier approach the object of his desire. Before he even knew what was happening, Mr. tall-dark-and-handsome had grabbed the other one and pulled him into a kiss.

Quickly Klaus turned back around and almost stumbled into his brother who looked just as flustered as he felt. They shared a little laugh as they realized that they had both tried to reach one of the two guys in question and quickly went over to the bar instead. With a flick of his wrist, Diego ordered himself another shot while Klaus stayed sober.

"I think we are disappointing Mandy." Diego huffed as he nudged his shoulder with Klaus’.

"Mindy." Klaus corrected with a grin. "But yeah." 

"I think we are just not that interesting, huh?"

"Nope! Clearly not!" Klaus replied with a little chuckle. As the couple that was seated beside them made a move to leave, Klaus started to notice that really every Jack in the room had found his Jill already in some way or another. Even Mr. tall-dark-and-handsome was leaving with the other guy he had just found. "Well, would you look at that." He huffed. "it's only us left."

"You know what that means!" The barkeeper suddenly chimed in with a smirk. In fact, Klaus had almost forgotten the man’s existence while talking to his brother. The insinuation in his voice was clear as he wiggled his brows at Klaus and Diego as the brothers looked at him. 

Klaus’ first instinct was to protest and inform the man of his faux pas but then, to his honest surprise, his brother had the gall to actually turn around to him and get almost uncomfortably close.  _ Almost  _ because Diego’s closeness could never serve as discomfort to him anyway. Klaus quickly caught on to what Diego was doing and mirrored him perfectly, already grabbing the front of his jacket as Diego leaned in close.

It was, at last, Klaus who broke away with a little giggle only to have it echoed by Diego as well.

As they later left the establishment together, Klaus thought that neither one of them might have found the love of their lives tonight but at least they had had fun together. And, surely, they continued to have fun as they walked home side by side telling each other all about the people they had just met.

Maybe they would find someone next time.


	3. Bad for us

He knew that it would be bad for them. There was not a single question about it in his mind. He couldn't even quite tell how any of that had started. It had been a slow process - realizing that there was something more going on between him and Diego. Ben had not been entirely unhelpful in that regard. In fact, Ben had been very adamant in pushing Klaus in the right direction even though he didn't quite know what the right direction even was at this point. Ben, on the other hand, seemed to believe that the right direction was wherever Diego was.

It was an odd thing, really. This thing … whatever it was. 

It was Ben who had pointed him with his nose at it. Everything he was looking for in a guy, Diego was. Wasn't that just too crazy? Too messed up? Clearly Luther and Allison didn't think it was crazy at all. They were doing just fine together so why shouldn't Diego and him? But that thought alone was just crazy! It was complete madness!

And still … after the thought first crept into his mind it seemed impossible to get rid of it again. It was like a virus. The weirdest part about all of this was, however, that he couldn't help but notice the looks that Diego was throwing at him every time he thought that Klaus wouldn't notice it.

It had started sometime after that mess of a speed dating night and had escalated from there. Sometimes he wondered if Diego thought the same things that he was thinking. Was he pondering the same ideas as he? Was he too trying to imagine them as something else than friends or brothers? Was he, perhaps, just as terrified of the thought as he was? 

Deep down inside, Klaus was very well aware of the fact that a relationship of the romantic sort between them would be bad for them in every sense of the word. It would never work out. They would rip each other to shreds in a nick of time. They would hurt each other deeper than anyone else ever could. After all, no one knew him more intimately than Diego, and thus, no one had greater potential of actually hurting him than Diego.

Diego was his best friend - always had been. He knew how to get under his skin. He knew what weapons to direct at him and how deep to cut to actually draw blood. What a scary thought to have. 

"You should tell him," Ben muttered from his spot on the windowsill while Klaus continued to stare holes into the ceiling above. It needed to be repainted soon. "Really. You should fucking talk to him. Don't be such a pussy!"

"I can't just go talk to him and tell him that I like him like that!" 

"Why not?"

"Because he’s my brother!"

"That's just an excuse and not a good one at that."

"He’s  _ Diego _ ! The most macho guy I’ve ever seen!"

"He’s bisexual and you didn't know! What more is there that you don't know about him?"

"He doesn’t like me like that, Ben, I’m telling you!"

"Bullshit!" 

"You’re the bullshitter!" 

"Takes one to know one!" 

"Okay, listen, Klaus. You can try to avoid the topic a little longer or you can stop being such a wuss and address it." Ben seemed ready to throw his fucking ghost book at him now. He seemed honestly and whole-heartedly fed-up with Klaus and this whole situation. No surprise, of course. Ben always liked to get his nose into his business and he had been there from the start when this whole mess had started with Diego. Whatever this mess was. 

"No,  _ you  _ listen, Benedict." He sighed. "It's true that I … like Diego more than a friend or brother or whatever. And that's messed up okay? At least that's how he will see it. You know how Diego gets sometimes. I don't want to risk anything, not after everything that happened these past couple of months. This is just a phase. It’ll pass."

Ben gave a groan like he had never heard before from his ghostly brother. He seemed truly fed-up now.  _ Done _ , so to say. After following Klaus around through all the shit he had done to himself and his body since leaving the academy, this was what broke him. "I am telling you that he will not freak out, Klaus! You have my word! Have I ever lied to you?"

"Uhm, yeah?" Klaus scoffed with a roll of his eyes before he threw a pointed look at his brother. "You told me that if I bite into a bar of soap I can skip brushing my teeth for like a week!"

"We were four!" 

"And you told me that I have only a limited number of words I can say each day and that if I kept talking beyond that I would get mute!" 

"But that's in the past! I’m not lying to you  _ now _ ! I am dead serious! Go to him and talk to him you absolute muppet!"

"I see we picked up new insults since we’re dead, huh?"

"Klaus!"

"You know that you cannot force me to do anything, right?"

"No, but I can annoy the fuck out of you for as long as it takes!" And that, of course, was true. He had no way of blocking Ben out, after all. His living siblings he could lock out of his room if necessary. But Ben … Ben was invincible.

"You are a bad brother, you know?"

"Yes. Now get on with it."

"If everything turns to shit, it's your fault."

"Sure." Ben had no right to look that smug and still, he did as Klaus finally got up from his bed and brushed nervous hands over his clothes before making his way to the door.

He had to get this over with as quickly as possible so that Ben - that fuckface - would finally stop pestering him about it. His heart, though, was racing like mad as he made it out of his door and stood awkwardly on the hallway for a second. 

Diego’s room was right next to his and yet the distance seemed so big that he didn't quite know how to bridge it. The only thing to do now was move one step forward. One step at a time. So, he turned right and made a step and then another. And, just as he had reached Diego’s door after three steps, his brother’s door suddenly flung open. Diego startled at the sight of him. He looked like a man on a mission and just as he saw Klaus the fight suddenly seemed to leave him and he started fidgeting with his shirt and- was that a new shirt he was wearing?

He was almost certain that he had never seen this shirt before. It was dark blue - midnight blue. It suited him well. He really liked that color on him. Fuck - that was not helping!

"Oh" Diego breathed out. "Hey! I just … I actually … I was on my way over to you." 

"Oh … you were?"

"Yeah…" He awkwardly scratched his neck. Diego scratching at his neck was never a good sign. In fact, it was his doom as Klaus had developed an unhealthy obsession with that tiny gesture his brother used to do. "I wanted to tell you something."

"Now you have me scared!"

"No … it's … nothing bad … I guess … Well ...actually I don't know … depends, I guess."

"Let me go first!" He interrupted. "I need to tell you something too and I don't think I have the courage to-"

"I love you!" Diego all but yelled at him then and the words just hung in the void between them. Now that they were out in the world, they could not be taken back again. He didn't know what to say to that or how to react but now the words were out there and real and somehow he had to deal with them and he didn't know how to.

His silence only served his brother to start panicking on the spot. "I-I-I mean … I mean … It's not like-"

As if being pushed by some unseen force, Klaus leaped forward, flung his arms around his brother’s neck and smashed their mouths together without wasting another thought. If Diego would be forced to talk even another word, he knew, everything would come crumbling down around them. The kiss was everything he could have hoped for. It was greedy and hot and still managed to be the sweetest thing he had ever felt. Two hours later, he lay in Diego’s narrow bed, exhausted and sweaty and blissfully tired with his head on Diego’s chest and not a single idea how he ended up here.

"God we should have done this long ago." Diego huffed and Klaus agreed in a breathless little chuckle. The air was heavy with their shared pleasure, humid and hot.

"You know that this will be bad for us, right?" Klaus hummed against his chest before planting another kiss just above Diego’s heart. 

"Surprise, surprise." Diego laughed in response but only pulled him tighter into his side instead of shoving him away. "I’m gonna take my chances. I’m just wondering…"

"What?"

"Am I perfect enough to fit your incredibly high expectations?"

"I would say you are like … 99.5 % perfect."

"So?"

"Good enough." 


End file.
